Does this make sense to you?

I had an epiphany today and I wrote it down…

Whenever I get those feelings of anxiety, those are my cues that something in my life isn’t right. Whether I’m not reacting well to my environment or something inside needs to change, they are signs that I am not fulfilled or comfortable for some reason. Instead of running away or suppressing the feelings, I [can] use them to connect me to my greater whole. I understand why it’s happening and that is like the puzzle piece I’ve been needing to know. The very thing I was avoiding was the same thing that was going to help me. 

 Bottom line: I’m not sure if those goes for everyone but…I think I can say that my anxiety issues are a reflection of whatever is going on in my world — inner or outer.Those annoying feelings are trying to let me know that something needs to change. It’s all connected.

Does anyone understand what I’m saying? I would really like your thoughts on this.

a new normal?

i helped set up a party this weekend and something happened that made me think.

the event was held in a huge building with very long floors — it reminds me of a giant warehouse with multiple levels. tammy, one of the women who was also helping out, was in traffic and needed directions to the building. she called terri, the coordinator, for directions and they hung up.

10 minutes later, tammy calls again. she’s on our floor now and can’t find our room. she is very worked up–almost unreasonably so. the first thing she says is, “i’m about to turn around and go home if i can’t find this room!” she’s totally serious and even starts bickering with terri, who is trying her best to give her further directions. i don’t know tammy very well but the whole exchange surprises me.

a few minutes later, tammy enters the room. she’s visibly bothered, uncomfortable and tense.  “i was getting ready to take the elevator and go home,” she announces. “i really don’t like to not know where i’m going.”

* * *

tammy had endured traffic as she traveled from her suburb to the city and was all dressed up for this halloween party. yet she was totally ready to go home because she could not find the room we were in. and even though she bickered with terri on the phone, i knew she wasn’t angry. she was a little annoyed — and very anxious. and it was a weird experience for me to see that happening in someone else (part of me wishes i could go back and help her work through the anxiety). her tension did taper off once she found the room, but i wondered…

…could she imagine feeling that way all the time? could she imagine not being able to relax even though she found the room? she really was handling being lost very well, so how would she handle feeling that way most of the time? would she adapt to it, like people with anxiety disorders do? would she just get used to feeling wired? of existing in a fuzzy bubble? what would she have done if she wasn’t able to come down from her panicky feelings?

i remembered being that scared once upon a time: when i had my first panic attack. it was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, weird and i didn’t like how it made me feel. but then, as i went from feeling anxious only sometimes to most of the time, it became my new normal. i just became used to existing in this uncomfortable state. thinking about it that way actually blows my mind. it made me remember that…i wasn’t born feeling this way–i lived a life without this feeling, once upon a time. it sucks to know that this went from being an occasional discomfort to an almost daily discomfort. and it sucks that the only way to the other side of such a primal discomfort is to sit with it and know it can’t hurt you.

it does make you a stronger and more empathetic person, that’s good.

but still…i wish this wasn’t my normal. i wish this wasn’t the norm for so many people. 

breaking some chains and pinning some pins…

it’s been a minute, guys. hello! =) how are you guys?

i turned 24 this week, october 6. since i last updated, i’ve been on two road trips (i didn’t drive — they didn’t trust me yet lol); have become a stronger driver; decided to pursue a totally different career from the one i dreamed about forever (and graduated in this may); my anxiety has been much better; i’m still searching for gainful employment (i do have a gig, though); i’m thinking of starting a youtube channel — yadda yadda yadda.

like i said, my anxiety has been a lot better. i discovered this book randomly and it really does describe some of the deep issues that’s been going on with me and knowing these things has helped tremendously with how i feel about myself. there’s so many self-help books out there, so i don’t mind if you shudder to yourself when i mention a book (lol). but, seriously, i’ve been through a lot of books and this one is as good as my old stand-by and my forever love, Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes.

BUT–a lot of how i’ve been feeling is just a combination of years of therapy, taking my buspar as prescribed, and lots of self-reflection.

i’ve come a long way this year, but i still have a ways to go. i’m about to get seriously “Dear Diary,” on you guys for a sec, so try to bear with me. i have a serious pet peeve — i hate being inside on the weekends. i need to be out. but, unfortunately, i don’t have any close friends anymore. i think i mentioned before, most of my friends i’ve moved on from, have moved away, live a ways away from me — bottom line: i need friends. and i have had a hard time making them in the recent past just because of anxiety and other issues.

but i think i’m getting closer now to letting someone in again. i’m so glad that i’m strong enough to have gotten to this point to where i don’t have to steel myself from feeling and admitting loneliness, longing, etc. and i’m even more proud that i’ve gotten to the point where i’m inching towards doing something about it.

i had an incident a couple years ago that put me in the worst, ugliest place i’ve ever been in. and i’m finally letting all the pain from that go away as it should and reclaim my happiness, myself, my life and wellbeing. i’ve realized that my okay-ness is directly related to letting go of that incident. and it feels good to finally feel more powerful than that.

(c) Laurie Justus Pace

anyway, i came across this brilliant pin yesterday over on Pinterest and even though it’s supposedly for children–this helps me too! lol so I had to pass it on to you too.

be back soon. i have something up my sleeve and i’ll be back sooner than i was before. 🙂

tip for obsessive thoughts.

Aside

one way to effectively deal with obsessive, persistent thoughts is to just let them be there; notice them without engaging them.

let me just say that that is one of the hardest things in the world to do.

despite doing pretty well lately, i had a not so great day today. the kinda day where you wake up and you just don’t feel so great.

anyway, so i had a moment where i was just so fed up with my mind going back and forth, i was ready to freak out from sheer aggravation. but, in the midst of my frustration, i got distracted by a funny moment on “roseanne” (i love that show. yes, i watch re-runs. lol). i ended up watching the whole scene, then the whole episode, then i finally just sat back and gave into the entire marathon that was on.

i just chose to enjoy the show despite my mind doing its whirring and swirling and its other typical crap. i realized that worrying is not the solution…it hasn’t helped in the past and it’s not going to help now.

so, i just pictured my mind as a conveyor belt. with all types of packages filled with worries and scary thoughts, all traveling down the belt. and instead of picking up a package and opening it, i acknowledge it and i just let it keep on going down the belt. you’re essentially just sitting there, letting the thoughts be there without figuring them out.

worries were darting in and out, especially during commercials, but i just stuck to the plan. if you try this technique, don’t be surprised if your worries multiply at first. practice, practice, practice, my friend. in time it will get easier.

for more tips or refreshers on how to deal with anxiety, this link helped me out today.

be well <3,

anxietyflower

enjoy.

no filter: just me, my phone and the sky.

this pic just reminds me that it’s okay to take a break from the inner ping-pong machine sometimes. to pull myself out of my head and look around. to see and appreciate the beauty of the world around me. reminds me that the world is so much bigger than my worries. it’s quite a comfort. so take some time to get wonderfully lost in something today because it’s probably more needed than you think.

i have some insights and tips to share with my anxiety buddies. it’s been a challenging couple of months but i’ve grown a lot and hope to share it all in the near future. just gotta pull the thoughts together. ^.^

inauguration.

i’m 22.

i’ve been living with diagnosed anxiety for 11 years now, but i’ve dealt with it my entire life. obsessions, compulsions, panic attacks, stomachaches, headaches, weird thoughts — you name it, i’ve been through it.

anxiety is a part of me i’ve come to accept. when i didn’t accept it, i hid it. but hiding something doesn’t make it go away. it’s there, anyway, whether i accept it or not.

it’s not my fault. i don’t ask for these symptoms, they just happen. i’ve come to realize that, in my case, it really is like having a thyroid problem or having diabetes. it’s chronic and i have good days and bad days.

i didn’t always think that way. i used to just blame me. i took full responsibility, and that only led to perfectionism. i’m done being a perfectionist…i’m too human for that.

i’ve hated myself because of the anxiety. it’s contributed to me missing, or simply not being able to enjoy, many of life’s milestones.

fortunately, i have a survivor mentality. i want a better life and will do what i can to get that life. it’s going to be harder for me, but so be it, that’s just the way it is.

hopefully, this post will let someone out there know that they’re not alone.

much more to come.