venting

i don’t want to use this blog as a punching bag…but forgive me this once. i need to vent, and any feedback would be helpful.

anxiety makes me do stupid things sometimes. usually those stupid things involve other people. particularly, people interested in me and i in them.

without getting into specifics…i assume the worst about myself. it’s my knee-jerk reaction. my first thought.

sometimes the damning thought is in my mother’s voice, or the voice of the mean girl in high school. sometimes it’s in my own voice. but whatever it is, it’s a powerful thought.

powerful enough for me to act in accordance with it, whether it’s true or not. it feels true. i act on the fearful thought because i feel like it protects me from the seemingly inevitable real manifestation of it.

but this is all most likely caused by more than anxiety.

i’m just so mad at myself today. i really want to give myself a swift kick for doing this again. i feel like such a jerk-face, all over again.