breaking some chains and pinning some pins…

it’s been a minute, guys. hello! =) how are you guys?

i turned 24 this week, october 6. since i last updated, i’ve been on two road trips (i didn’t drive — they didn’t trust me yet lol); have become a stronger driver; decided to pursue a totally different career from the one i dreamed about forever (and graduated in this may); my anxiety has been much better; i’m still searching for gainful employment (i do have a gig, though); i’m thinking of starting a youtube channel — yadda yadda yadda.

like i said, my anxiety has been a lot better. i discovered this book randomly and it really does describe some of the deep issues that’s been going on with me and knowing these things has helped tremendously with how i feel about myself. there’s so many self-help books out there, so i don’t mind if you shudder to yourself when i mention a book (lol). but, seriously, i’ve been through a lot of books and this one is as good as my old stand-by and my forever love, Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Dr. Claire Weekes.

BUT–a lot of how i’ve been feeling is just a combination of years of therapy, taking my buspar as prescribed, and lots of self-reflection.

i’ve come a long way this year, but i still have a ways to go. i’m about to get seriously “Dear Diary,” on you guys for a sec, so try to bear with me. i have a serious pet peeve — i hate being inside on the weekends. i need to be out. but, unfortunately, i don’t have any close friends anymore. i think i mentioned before, most of my friends i’ve moved on from, have moved away, live a ways away from me — bottom line: i need friends. and i have had a hard time making them in the recent past just because of anxiety and other issues.

but i think i’m getting closer now to letting someone in again. i’m so glad that i’m strong enough to have gotten to this point to where i don’t have to steel myself from feeling and admitting loneliness, longing, etc. and i’m even more proud that i’ve gotten to the point where i’m inching towards doing something about it.

i had an incident a couple years ago that put me in the worst, ugliest place i’ve ever been in. and i’m finally letting all the pain from that go away as it should and reclaim my happiness, myself, my life and wellbeing. i’ve realized that my okay-ness is directly related to letting go of that incident. and it feels good to finally feel more powerful than that.

(c) Laurie Justus Pace

anyway, i came across this brilliant pin yesterday over on Pinterest and even though it’s supposedly for children–this helps me too! lol so I had to pass it on to you too.

be back soon. i have something up my sleeve and i’ll be back sooner than i was before. 🙂

Friends

How do you make friends?

I used to know how and I used to do it effortlessly.

But, then, you know…I was 10.

I’m 23 and …I have no friends. Well, I have acquaintances and people I text/call occasionally but they’re either old friends or college friends who all live out of state. Oy…no bueno!

I guess it’s because I’m confused (about myself.)

I’ve been extremely unfulfilled socially for a decade. I started surrounding myself with “safe friends” in high school. Basically, I felt like “safe friends” wouldn’t reject me and I didn’t necessarily like them (rude I know). The part that gets me is — there was a mutual friendship attraction (lol) between me and other people but I distanced myself from them. I brought these behaviors with me to college, too, even though I tried not to.

At some point, I stopped picking “safe friends” and went for people I actually liked. But then I kinda took on the role of “counselor.” Someone who gave good advice. I was afraid to show my “flaws” with them, afraid they’d reject me for them and I was lonely and thought this was the only way someone could like me.

Then in the past 2 years, I switched schools, worked a lot and was afraid to go to the school’s clubs, etc so I made no friends.

😐

Why does my behavior sound SO RIDICULOUS now that I’m looking back? I knew then that I was acting pretty strangely. I just didn’t know how to stop it.

So now…I’m like…who am I?  I know who I am but I’m still afraid to show it sometimes. Old situations, unfortunately, hold me back from being myself now. Sometimes I still feel like that awkward 12-year-old girl who was the only girl of color in her entire class. Which is a shame.

I’m so used to giving people what I think they want instead of who I am. Only to later find out, what they wanted was the real me. They often seem to end up dating/being interested/befriending someone who has  the same characteristics I kept on the down low. So it’s like…a wake up call.

So…now what?

venting

i don’t want to use this blog as a punching bag…but forgive me this once. i need to vent, and any feedback would be helpful.

anxiety makes me do stupid things sometimes. usually those stupid things involve other people. particularly, people interested in me and i in them.

without getting into specifics…i assume the worst about myself. it’s my knee-jerk reaction. my first thought.

sometimes the damning thought is in my mother’s voice, or the voice of the mean girl in high school. sometimes it’s in my own voice. but whatever it is, it’s a powerful thought.

powerful enough for me to act in accordance with it, whether it’s true or not. it feels true. i act on the fearful thought because i feel like it protects me from the seemingly inevitable real manifestation of it.

but this is all most likely caused by more than anxiety.

i’m just so mad at myself today. i really want to give myself a swift kick for doing this again. i feel like such a jerk-face, all over again.